A Condensed History

A friend e-mailed me this and I laughed my ass off:



For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version:



Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and
would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer
and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the
beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the
catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1 . Liberals
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of
agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so
while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented,
they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night
while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as
the Conservative movement...

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off
the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing,
fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. They became known
as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the
domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the
concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that
conservatives provided.


Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the
jackass for obvious reasons.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white
wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish

but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard

liberal fare.. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their
women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers,
personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers

in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the
designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud or Miller. They eat red meat
and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters,
rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors,
police officers, engineers, corporate executives,
athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who
works productively.

Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work
for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers

and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans

are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals

remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept
in after the Wild West was tamed and created a
business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to

angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute

truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true

believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.B


And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self.....I'm

going to have another beer.