|this is some funny stuff. long thread, but when you're bored: |
and a choice excerpt...
The Truth About Tools
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used
as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object
we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes
containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling
mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the original sin
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
and the more you attempt to influence
its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they
can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a
brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" or 1/2"
socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal
bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your coffee across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted
part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after
determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under Camaros at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
|trace, priceless! this absolutely made my day. thanks for putting it up.|
|cool. :D for some reason i find the "accidentally caused a fire" types to be really funny... |
When using an acetylene (sp) torch to cut the rusted rear shock bolts out of your equally rusted winter beater car (at 3 am) - take care not burn a small hole through the thinned sheetmetal of the wheelwell and set the back seat on fire. That car smelled like burnt rubber foam as long as i owned it! haha
Don't check for vacuum leaks using carb cleaner on a four cyl eng that has the exhaust and intake manifolds on the same side of the head.
B-12 is flamable; so is the fuel that's now shooting from the plastic high press fuel line that the B-12 fire melted.
DON'T crank the engine over after removing carb with the coil still hooked up, YES, the engine WILL start with fuel spraying from the open fuel line into the open intake, 4000+ rpm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
|By Bob (bob) on Thursday, January 16, 2003 - 4:26 pm:
|sounds like some experience talking here folks, i liked the drill press and wire wheel |
Dont let sams touch your lug nuts with their 1000 ft/lb guns!!
|My brother in law did the carb thing. That was after he got his girlfriends mom's station wagon stuck in a muddy field. (don't ask) Then, he hot wired a road grader (Giant Tonka truck thing!) and drove it into the muddy field in an attempt to pull the car out. It got stuck and slid onto its side into a ravine. Then, he walked over to a relatives house to borrow an old pickup truck to try again to get the car out. He grabbed the keys under protest from his sister, and actually slid the removed carb across the bench seat so he could sit in the drivers seat to start the truck. He cranked it for a minute straight, unable to understand why it wouldn't start. It caught (literally) and he continued to crank the engine. When he realized that he was about to be incinerated, he decided to hop out. The truck was burnt to a crisp, the fire burned up a new Buick sitting next to the truck, and would have torched the house if the FD didn't show up. I wish I could find the picture I had, a '72 F150 completely burnt, sitting on the rims, with the lettering of a "kill a biker, go to jail" sticker etched into the scorched rear bumper. He decided to call it quits for the day, and was "encouraged" to volunteer for military service or become a ward of the state. I'm not actually related by blood to this person, by the way. |
|I registered on the site and tried to post |
but it looks like the thread is closed.
I wanted to say...
Don't any of you come within a hundred feet of my car !!!!"
|CJ- AWESOME! |
Sandy- i don't think the thread is close, but i'm pretty sure there's a waiting period before the site lets you post.
FWIW, there are some REALLY smart guys on that site, burning their own PROMs etc.
here was my submission:
i'll add one for "don't work around the starter w/out disconnecting the battery"... not me, but i read this one somewhere. (not that i'm incapable of doing something like this)
guy has his classic car apart for a frame-up resto, and he's in the middle of putting it back together. he has just gotten the motor & driveline back in, and is doing some work underneath when his wrench shorts out the starter. the car starts, and the tranny is in reverse. it backs off the jackstands, runs over his arm, and proceeds down the driveway in reverse. he's not seriously injured, so he jumps up & runs after it. he jumps into the driver seat, but he has not yet connected a few critical components such as the ignition key, shift cable, or brakes. the steering does work, however. he begins steering the car around his block, backwards, in hopes that it will run out of gas. evidently his tank was pretty full. something like 3 hours later he finally gets sick of this exercise and lets his freshly painted rear clip nail a neighbor's tree.
|When working under a car/boat, anything that you un-screw or un-bolt will somehow defy physics and the laws of gravity only to land somewhere on your face, or in case of heavy parts on you twig and giggle berries. The above law also works great for dirt or caked grease falling in to your eyes. Finally always check for the "Jesus Bolt". This is the bolt that is the most important part of your project. You won't notice it till your 99% done, then realize that it should have been the first or second thing in. Thus making you remove ALL prior work to put it in properly. Love all these posts keep them coming...|